BDSM, either due to the name itself or due to portrayal in popular media, has the unfortunate mantle of being only pain play. In reality, BDSM is a wide collection of kinks.
A lot of these kinks do not involve hurting the other person at all or enjoying pain. Most of it is mainly an exchange of control, submission, and trust.
Let’s explore how you can enjoy your kinks without the hurt. This is your guide to understanding your kinks and learning the importance of explicit consent.
Understanding Kink and BDSM
You can think of all BDSM activities as kinks. It’s almost an umbrella term for non-conventional sexual activities. For example, animal roleplaying can be a kink for some.
In the case of BDSM, the initial stands for a couple of kinks, depending on who you ask. Overall, it covers bondage, discipline, dominance, submission, sadism, and masochism.
People who engage in BDSM don’t always treat themselves to the full range of activities. In fact, unless your style of sensuality falls into the sadism and masochism category, there are plenty of activities and kinks without hurt.
Even sadomasochism doesn’t always mean physical pain. Now, the term sadomasochism does mean deriving pleasure from inflicting pain onto yourself or others. The sadist is the one who inflicts pain, while the masochist is on the receiving end.
But the nature of the pain doesn’t have to be physical. It can involve psychological pain, such as insults or humiliation. To give an example - and it depends entirely on the person- some people enjoy being told they’re useless, even if they’re highly competent individuals by every means.
The key here is consent and experience.
This is where the difference between hurt and harm is balanced.
Hurt v/s Harm
According to members of the BDSM community, you can describe hurt as something that heals on its own. Harm is a kind of long-lasting pain. It can be physical or psychological, like a broken bone or dwindling self-worth from degradation.
Harm requires professional help to heal. Harm can happen because of miscommunication, poor equipment, accidents, or because of doing a scene with the wrong person.
In BDSM, harm happens when rules and limits set by the parties involved are breached.
Some people enjoy cutting, branding, needle play, etc. These kinds of pain are a little more permanent. But if they are done with the expressed enthusiasm of both parties, it’s a type of hurt rather than harm. The person feels good in the aftermath.
Even so, harm is usually off the table for BDSM practitioners.
Now, if during knife play, one partner signals the other to stop or uses a safe word and the other doesn’t listen to them, it will be considered harm. The person asking to stop will end up leaving the scene with lasting damage.
Sometimes, harm is more accidental. Maybe your scene partner didn’t know enough to carry out the scene and they ended up hurting you more than you both anticipated.
This is why BDSM, whether pain is involved or not, requires a high level of trust and explicit consent. A scene done with the wrong person can quickly turn from hurt to harm.
Why It Doesn't Have to Hurt: Exploring Pleasure in BDSM
BDSM has never been about pain. It’s an aspect of it and it can be a common part. But there is way more to it.
A BDSM practitioner can also play with mental and physical control, sensory deprivation, restraint, etc.
An explanation of some of the terms and kinks might help you better understand it.
1. Bondage
Bondage involves limiting how much your partner can move.
You might tie their hands with ropes, handcuffs, or some other form of restraints. Some go all out with ropes, preferring to tie their hands, legs, and even their entire body.
58.9% of males and 54.4% of female BDSM practitioners consider bondage as one of their preferred activities. Studies show people enjoy bondage for a number of reasons, including a desire for total control, exchange of power, and even as a form of meditation.
We can look at the psychology behind BDSM and bondage from a scientific perspective all we want, but when we ask BDSM practitioners, the answer is more simple.
The one tied up is usually seeking to surrender control. They like they do not have to make any decisions anymore for the time being, both psychologically and physically.
Bondage seems to appeal to people with social anxiety more than anything. For some hours, they do not have to worry about making the wrong decision, because they can’t literally make one while restrained. It’s relaxing and lets them enjoy the sensual experience without added worries.
Even the sensation of rope on the skin, the dig and the tightness, and the slight burn when it’s pulled can be appealing. Some even like the way it pulls when they writhe too much, a reminder of how helpless they are at the moment.
Meanwhile, the person in charge seems to like taking control and making their partner relax. They like making those decisions the other person chooses to surrender. They enjoy giving their full attention to their partner.
2. Discipline and Dominance
Discipline and dominance almost go hand in hand. Dominance is one person handing over authority to the other person to make all the decisions.
They tell the submissive person what to do. At times, if the submissive fails to follow through, they might punish them, which is where discipline comes in.
Of course, the one in the submissive position gives consent before any scene starts. They agree to the type of punishment acceptable beforehand.
They can also withdraw consent while in the middle of a scene if they feel uncomfortable. BDSM practitioners keep safe words and other safety systems in place for this reason.
One BDSM practitioner explains it as almost being like an artist. The submissive commissioned them for a work of art (sexual experience) and the dominant executed it by using their creativity. In return, they get the satisfaction of a job well done and feeling wanted.
A dominant can use tricks like bondage, blindfolds, gags, and other forms of sensory deprivation and control to make the experience special.
3. Submission
Submission is submitting to the wishes and actions of the dominant partner. Similar to bondage, the person gives up control.
It’s an opportunity for them to essentially turn off their brain and not have to make decisions beyond the basics. It’s almost a form of stress relief.
Some people enjoy being humiliated, degraded, and even objectified while in a submissive state. Others might prefer a more gentle version of submission, where they mostly follow orders from their dom.
It’s an expressive show of choice and trust.
For some submissives and dominants, the play might bleed out of the bedroom and into their public life. But it’s usually discussed beforehand and lines are drawn for when the play isn’t appropriate.
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4. Sadomasochism (Sadism and Masochism)
Sadomasochism is when BDSM practitioners take the submissive and dominant dynamic to a more extreme level.
It’s the one kink where navigating it without hurt is sort of pointless.
Sadism, by nature, dictates the person feels pleasure from inflicting pain on their partner. Masochism demands the person feels pleasure from receiving pain. Considering pain and pleasure are processed in the same region in the brain, the overlap of it for people during sexual activities makes perfect sense.
Naturally, BDSM gears for sadomasochistic roleplay are a little more pain-oriented. The practitioners tend to go for crops and paddles, floggers, whips, nipple clamps, etc.
BDSM Basics: The Importance of Consent and Communication
There is never a time when consent and communication shouldn’t be playing the starring role in your sexual activities. But the need is amplified when BDSM is involved, as the stakes are higher with the possibility of harm.
1. Consent
BDSM is not something you can start with your partner without setting clear boundaries. Discuss every sex act you are going to engage in beforehand, along with the kind of roleplay you want to take part in.
Don’t hesitate to communicate when you don’t like something. There is no messing about with consent when it comes to BDSM.
BDSM itself requires a massive amount of trust from all parties involved. And you can’t form trust without being honest about your needs and wants.
It’s a good idea to lay out your boundaries in the form of a contract, verbal or written.
2. Safe Words
A BDSM basics is to come up with safe words for the safety of all parties involved. Because of the nature of BDSM, people can often fall into a headspace.
Because their body is so overwhelmed by the rush of endorphins, enkephalins, and other hormones, they lose the ability to think properly, let alone form sentences.
Yet, they might have started feeling uncomfortable with the sexual activity they’re doing or need a moment of breather. Safe words come in handy during those times.
It’s easier to remember a couple of specific words when words escape you.
A safe word puts a stop to the entire act or stops the sex entirely. Some may decide on a couple of safe words to indicate something. For example, “pumpkin” might mean to stop the act while “apple” means to stop the sex.
“Vanilla” could mean it’s okay to keep going but the other person needs to be more careful or change something.
Some people go for the classic traffic light system. Red is for stop, yellow is a signal to go slow because of discomfort but not stop, and green means everything is good.
Safe words don’t have to be words either. If you’re gagged or tied up, using words can be difficult. So, to indicate you need to stop, you can tap, pinch, squeeze, or snap your fingers.
Remember, safe words aren’t only for the submissive or the masochist. The dom or the sadist could feel overwhelmed too and they can exercise their rights to use the words as well.
3. Aftercare
Aftercare is a series of physical and mental acts of care you do after a post-BDSM scene.
You might cuddle, drink water, take a bath, or do other calming activities together. You can also discuss what both of you liked, what didn’t work, and how both of you are feeling.
This prepares you for your next scene with better communication and helps stabilize the high of the scene.
Tools and Techniques for Beginners
If you are dipping your toes into the BDSM waters and don’t know where to start, go for the light kinks.
Stuff like hair pulling, blindfolds, scarf bondage, handcuffs, and role-play is light BDSM. It’s the safer kind of kink without hurt. Enough for plenty of people to practice some of them without even realizing they’re engaging in BDSM.
Get a prior list of kinks from your partner. You can decide what you want to try first together and go through the list by level.
For beginners, hair-pulling and blindfolds make the most sense. Instead of going for a tight blindfold, go for a mask type you can easily remove if required like the Calexotics Boundless Blackout Eyemask.
Cuffs and rope are almost for the same purpose. Cuffs are only for your hands and legs while ropes can be used as full body restraint.
You should start with cuffs because they’re easier to remove. Go for the Calexotics Boundless Hogtie Set. Once you feel more confident, you can switch to ropes. Blush Temptasia Red Bondage can do the job perfectly, requiring more adept hands at tying.
You want to buy a pair of safety scissors if it’s your first time with ropes as well.
Now, if you want to upgrade to pain play, try with less risky products like nipple clamps and suckers.
If it turns out pain is something appealing to you or your partner, you can try light spanking with your hands. Eventually, you can upgrade it to crops and paddles.
Crops offer more pointed sensations like the Classic Riding Crop. The pain from the paddle is more widespread when it comes in contact with your body. You can try the Tantus Tawse Small Paddle for this.
The whip is for the entire body. It also requires dexterous hands. You want to hold off on using one until you are confident in your abilities. Once you are, go for the Fetish Tentation Martinet Whip.
With BDSM, it’s like making it through several levels. Most BDSM can be without pain. You never have to make it to the sadomasochistic layer if you don’t want to.
You are not required to enjoy pain simply because your sexual choices aren’t exactly straightforward.
Final Thoughts
Before you get into BDSM, you want to read up on it as much as possible. Start with books like The Loving Dominant by John Warren and The New Bottoming Book by Janet W. Hardy and Dossie Easton.
If you prefer a visual medium Rory's Brainworks has some gems on bondage. Evie Lupine greets you with tips, commentaries, and debūnking.
You can join BDSM workshops to gain practical experience. It’s a way to safely explore BDSM without exposing yourself sexually. When you’re all informed, you can look through XOXTOYS’ massive BDSM collection.
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